Oracle card: Hare

I pulled another card, and got the following, without the intent of reading reversed or not, and got the Hare, reversed:

I think the intent here is that I am focusing a bit too much on the outside and need to take care of things at home before I really can get my footing on my path.  It seems like a good fit just because I know things at home are... untenable. My mom is going to need more help moving forward, especially as I see her moving more towards what is defined as "moderate dementia" symptoms.

In reality I know what I need to do, but it still feels like abandoning responsibility. Even when I know that the reality of the situation is she is going to need more care moving forward, and if I find myself unable (or unwilling?) to provide it at these stages... The difficultly moving forward is only going to get more difficult. In comes the hare, a reminder that "I may need to apply common sense to a greater degree than I have in the past". I feel like it speaks to me here.

Oracle Card: Earth Dragon

I decided to pull a card this morning from my druid oracle deck, with the intention of not reading it reversed, but as an upright card, but was initially pulled reversed, and pulled the Earth Dragon:

Earth Dragon – Power, Potential, Riches

The Earth Dragon (Draig-talamh) brings us face to face with our potential. Wishing us we have a treasure house of riches – of powers and capacities – that we can learn how to use. In the past, we may have been denied access by the guardian of this treasure. But now we are coming to understand that this sometimes fierce guardian is in reality an aspect of ourselves. By coming to know and love Draig-talamh, we will be able to unlock the secrets of our heart, and at the same time we will find ourselves discovering the beauty and the power that lie within the hearts of those around us and in the very earth itself.

This card might also indicate that somehow you are relating in an inappropriate way to your inner reserves and potential. Earth Dragon guard the treasures of your should fiercely, but he is your ally, not your enemy – do not try to kill him and do not try to wrest the treasure away from him. You may need to spend time befriending this creature who has slumbered in your should for so long. A precipitous attempt to capitalize on your talents or express. your potential may be unwise.

Druid Animal Oracle by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, art by Will Worthington

Source: https://partingthemists.com/2018/04/09/card-of-the-day-earth-dragon/ 

The second paragraph was the 'reverse' meaning according to the book that I have with the cards. Potential is a good word, I think this is an indication of me needing to continue to perform shadow work and understand and let go of the past.

I think that part of me has always been afraid of what I might have, what I could become if I stopped holding myself back. There is a both a positive and a negative aspect to this part of me. I know from my own past mistakes that I am not always the most balanced person and I feel like the other crutches (THC, mostly) that I have gained over the past few years has not been fully positive, but are still worthwhile tools to have in my life.

I want to get more in touch with myself. I need to come to terms with my own past and find it within myself to move forward. To make the choices that need to be made in regards to my mom's ailing mental state. The status quo is not tenable, it cannot hold forever. In fact its more than likely worse than I want to see, but I am just too close to the issue to really know.

I need to befriend my earth dragon, I need to take power back in my life and make the choices, regardless of how hard they might be.

An attempt at journaling, getting back on the path

Its been a long time since I wrote anything on here. Surprised the site still exists.
Its now August 22nd, 2023.

I have been out of the metaphysical space for a while, but have been making a serious attempt at being a better version of myself.

Looking back at some of my posts here, the separation between the me of now and then seems large.

I want to get back into a meditation practice. I want to get my life back. I feel present, for the first time in a while, at least since I got my new job (April 19th, 2015).

Between now and then? My father died. (February 17, 2017), my mom has Alzheimer's, and was undergoing testing as of December 2017, but wasn't diagnosed until much later. I'm not sure if that was due to job loss, other stress and mostly me being on autopilot.

I can see where my life took turns that if I was more aware, more in control of my actions I would have avoided or done better.

The past is just that. Water spilled cannot ever be put back into the container, but at least I have some pretty Rorschach style tests to remind me of those...

Just woke up, in the middle of the night.

Meditated before bed.  Laid down to sleep.  Drifted into a meditative state before sleeping.  Had the following dream.  I was at my home in reality, except it had a more impressive type of gating system for the yard.  I had a bunch of cows and goats fenced in.  A tree of some sort, surrounded by a fence was in the yard across from mine. 

If you crossed that fence, I know, you would be stopped from touching the tree by some various animal.  I belive it was a bear.  Well a bunch of lions were running around outside of the fence, and I believe they were trying to take my livestock.

I ended up shoving one of the lions over the fence into the tree, which, if its the same tree from memory, opens a portal into another place.  Though I am not sure what it could be.  I need to do some research into it.

After that, the guardian creature appeared and started fighting off the lions, I took that time to gather some of them and add them to my 'farm' where they suddenly quieted down and became more docile.

I closed and latched all the gates, while putting some of the animals into a 'barn' which is my shed in reality.  I then whent and jumped the fence to go inside.  I looked at my 'water rock' or something similar.  It was a stone, split in half, and even though it was removed from its source, water still spilt from it when they wre split.  Even though there was no place for the water to come from.

Since I was reading a book on zen... The rock could suggest some from of enlightenment, the gathering of animals is bringing differentthings under control, and introducing them to spirituality.  Since water has been a symbol for spirituality and knowledge in the past for me.  In this case the rock having the ability to spring water from nothing sugguests either that my subconcious mind is making the connected from form and function not being that far removed, in fact being one in the same. *shrugs*

Sick...

Blah.  Sick.  And I was doing well with doing my meditation too.  Ah well.

Strange sounds.

Another odd night last night.  I was drinking a bit, and after coming back from the kitchen, heard an odd popping noise.  Went out there to check what it was, heard something from the dishwasher.  I just figured it was that, but the noise wasn't exactly the same.

Later that night.  I was asleep and woke up about 2:30.  I hear this noise, like claws against the rug on my floor.  A noise my dog Suzy would make, when she was alive.  I looked, nothing really was there to make note of.  I got up to use the lavatory, there *might* have been a shadow that was out of place.  But, having had a few drinks, I didn't bother to look into things to much.

Meditation and visual phenomina

I haven't posted here in a long while... My bad. Haven't had a lot of paranormal activity. Though I did have something very interesting that I wanted to note down, besides in my personal journal. Did a meditation last night, before bed. I could feel my mental state switching over. But I was tired, so I opened my eyes, to lay down to sleep. After I opened my eyes I could see a black figure at the foot of my bed. Blinking didn't make it disappear, and in fact I saw it move from side to side. I addressed it, said that I could see it, but I didn't feel like it had any malevolence. I laid down, and looked up at the ceiling. I could see a black mist, swirling above my head. Blinking seemed to make it fade a bit, but looking up at it again drew it into prominence. I'm not sure what to make of this. But, it was interesting, and I took note of it after waking up.